Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
worst night to have a conscience
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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