if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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