I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
