There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize