So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
