I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
