I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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