I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize