I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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