we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
