forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
