Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
