I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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