This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
