i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
