If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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