We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
