I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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