he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize