I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
