how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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