The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
