so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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