It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
