Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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