oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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