The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
