yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
