Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
