I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Found the puke drawer
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
