I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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