Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
