We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
