the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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