Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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