1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
