the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize