Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
