you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize