Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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