I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
