the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
