My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
