More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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