Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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