If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
