Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
