So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
