I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
