My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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