Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
