Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude i'm inner monologue high
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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