I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
