How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
