As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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