the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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