if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
