come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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